'I was looking for no love when it found me'. I cant remember where i heard these words before but right about now they seem the most appropriate to describe my situation. Love is suppose to be a wonderful thing, it should herald the beginning of a persons happy times. If anything, I believe we should all strive for love because with love, everything seem so easy and serene. This should be the case for everyone in love, myself included. But what happens when love hurts?
Love never game me a warning when it came knocking on my door. I can not even tell you how it crept secretly into my heart. But when the damage is done and it takes residence is your heart, you become powerless against it and in the end, wallowing in its pleasures is all you can do. This is my story, a story about love with a twist.
I have been friend with this beautiful girl for long now, Since 2011 to be precise. if you are friends with anyone that long then it must be genuine friendship. We have kept in touch, exchanging pleasantries whenever time allow. I must say i have always felt something that i wrote off as affection for this girl. She radiates enough warmth to fill a room. It was not until recently when i got to understand the full extend of this 'affection' i felt. i could describe it here but that would take about three chapters to put into words.
So you might be wondering, why not ask her out? The answer my friends is a bit more complicated than that. I would ask her out in a heart beat. Trouble is, she is torn in between. Why do i say this? She has confessed to having feelings for me. Actually she thinks she is falling for me. This is where the twist comes in. She is in love with her current boyfriend too. She loves him very much and theirs is a working relationship. What i offer however is anarchy in a peaceful pond. Total chaos if you like. Why do i say this? The lady in question is in Scotland, with the boyfriend while i reside in Kenya. Even if i wanted to be with her, there would be logistical challenges, challenges i believe we can sort out though. Ours seem a more turbulent road to travel, a road that might be rocky before it smooth-ens out.
Once i became aware of her feelings i thought about fighting for my interest. Here i was thinking, 'Should i push further?' 'Should i make the move?', 'Should i go for what my heart really yearns for?' I know for sure what my feeling for this lady is. I want her to be my better half, i would drop everything in a heart beat to be with her. If this is the case, then you might wonder, why not drop everything and chase after your dreams?
This is however one dream i have failed to chase my friends. These are my reasons; When something as good as this comes around, one needs to be ready to grab it and hold on to it. My greatest fear is i wonder if i can hold on to her. To put it plainly, i wonder everyday if i can give her happiness to last a life time. When someone gives up everything for you, the least you can do is make her happy. I would love nothing than to make her happy all her life. If i had noted even the slightest conviction that she is ready to drop everything for me and take a chance at happiness, then our love would have conquered all. She says she loves me but i get the feeling it is not enough for her to be with me.
What are my options in this case? I wonder. Every time i think about this, the more i am convinced i should run. I want to run but something holds me back. I need her. I want to be her friend. I want to keep charting with her and i want to keep feeling this feeling i feel whenever i think about her. The feeling is intense, probably the most intense i have ever felt.
I have always had answers but in this one i don't. My love bleeds for her. I need her so much i am willing to agonize in silence while i watch her have a life outside my own. But this i do only because i did not get a good enough indication from her that our love can conquer all. That stupid love that knows no boundaries, a love that can not stand to see the two of us apart. The day i get the feeling or an indication from her that this is the case, our love will triumph.
This my friends, is when love really hurts.
